Summertime

I’ve felt like I’m barely here most days, flittering through this life of mine.

The sense of being disconnected and floating has kept me away from computers as much as possible, away from the internet, away from writing. So, Coming to True has been quiet and slumbering. It’s good to be back to feel the desire to write again, to connect again to this space.

Summer is passing by, so very quickly.

We had our two days of 85 degree temperatures, with one great afternoon at the local swimming hole staying cool. Mornings dancing on the beach. Much of the summer has been spent trying to get my feet back beneath me after the interior pushing and pulling of moving my mom and brother in May and June. I think I’m regaining my place in the world. Coming back to the ground beneath my feet.

In the midst of the swirls of my life, I’ve been surrounded with love and support. As of tomorrow I will have had 20 guests staying at my place over the last month. It’s been wonderful to have old friends and family come to stay during their summer vacations. I will have five dear ones at my place this weekend. Close friends, their husbands, one toddler son. It will be a blast.

May the blessings of summer be upon you – sunshine, blue sky, swimming in the ocean, the river, the pool, (wherever your swimming hole may be), bright red strawberries, soft, sweet peaches, and time spent with those you love.

Stuff of my life

Memories of the garden

These days, the days since returning home have been exhausting. I’ve had friends tell me I look strung out, and like I really need a vacation. What do you say to that, other than, yes, I really need a vacation.

However, that’s not really going to happen for a while. So, what did I do? Instead of chilling all weekend, I went to a nature writing workshop where we went out in nature and wrote about what we saw. It was such energizing. Thought provoking. I’m thinking about sharing some of what I wrote here. It definitely has given me ideas about what and how I can write on this blog.

The other thing that happened last week was the truck arrived with all the stuff we moved up from my mom’s place. The house was in utter disarray. Today, it’s only in disarray. I’m happy to have a living room, kitchen and bedroom in working order.

The house is much more full of stuff. More furniture. All the things from my room. Just the pieces of my life. And I”m debating getting rid of some of it.

Here’s a question – what do I do with clothes? I own clothes in five different sizes. And I do not want to part with them. But when is enough, enough? The old worries arise as I think about this. If I get rid of all those cute smaller clothes, does that mean I’ve given up on myself? (Read – given up on losing weight, accepted myself as I am.) How can I do that? I need those clothes to whip me into shape.

Yeah, as if I could ever whip myself into shape. I respond very poorly to harshness. And are those clothes a spur to move toward goals or simply torture that I’m never good enough? I ask this because most of the time they serve as a reminder of how I should be rather than a loving acceptance of who I am. Maybe a naked lady party is in order. I’m going to have to think about this for a little while.

I’m off to unpack boxes of memories.

Blessings be upon you. May compassion and love fill your day and may we all find a little more acceptance of ourselves, right where we are.

Home again

I’m home. After three weeks, not two, of 12-14 hour days spent packing, moving, organizing, garage sales, and all the tasks that needed to be completed to move my mom out of my childhood home. It’s all done. The sale will close in about three days. In the midst of all the activity and emotion, I realized that where I grew up hasn’t been home for me for a while. It’s fun to visit, to suck in sunshine and heat and see family and friends. But for me, home is in the land of many waters, with my beloved big green trees and deep rivers and mysterious ocean, and silent mountain. It’s wonderful to be back, to breathe deep in salty sea air and feel the wind on my face. I want to sink my roots down deep, I want to hold on to my love of place. I want to be here fully, completely, wholly. I want to be even more invested in this little corner of the world that is my home, my community.

It’s such a blessing to live where I belong. I’m Home. Yeah.

Moving days

I’m back in my childhood home. I’m here for two weeks specifically to pack up my mom and brother and move them out. There’s so much emotion swirling around – it takes my breath away. It’s only the first day, and I’m already taking deep breaths, promising myself I am here for me, holding on to myself.

This morning, I was purchasing moving boxes from U Haul and while I drove out of the store’s parking lot, I realized I may spend the afternoon packing my room and crying at the same time. And then I realized that is totally ok, acceptable even, to be really, really sad.

I used to think change was fun, never easy, but exciting because of all the great new things that could come from a change like a move or a new job. These days, I still think it is exciting, but I’m also more honest with myself about the pain involved, the challenges inherent in creating a new life.

My mom is going to have a new life for herself. My deepest wish for her is that she will take time for herself and create a tremendous well of joy within her, sewing, crafting, being creative, getting strong. Even as she has physical challenges, I believe she can create a bountious life.

For my brother, I’m not sure what to wish for. Improved behavior, ability to interact with people over the long term, personal growth? A safe, secure place to live independently? A job where he can thrive? I wish he could verbalize what he wants, and have it be something that could be attainable.

Getting both of them to a better place for each of them can certainly come from this move. And we are tremendously blessed with friends and family who are holding us all aloft with their dedication and time devoted to our well being, to our healing, to a smooth moving process.

I am in the midst of it all and I want to soak in these last days in my old house, sleeping on the bright yellow bed I picked out for my new room when we moved in to this house when I was eight years old. Eating at the kitchen counter where I’ve eaten more meals than I can count. Sitting in the yard, enjoying the lucious garden I planted with my aunt as together, my family grieved the loss of my father. I want to hold on tightly to the beauty of this place I have called home. This place that has held me in it’s arms, welcomed me home from long journeys and short sojourns. Soon this land, this structure won’t be ours anymore except within our hearts. Soon we’ll be moving on to new adventures.

Blessings be upon you, may your days of change be filled with grace, strength and love.

Magical Forest

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Yesterday, I had a wonderful blessing of a day, wandering about in the forest, taking pictures of coastal fawn lilies, newly unfurling sword ferns, bleeding hearts, rivers, and waterfalls. **Ahhh, deep breath.**

I am so grateful beauty and magic are all around us, every day.

new path

Bridging to new journeys

I rarely reach the end of my rope.  Usually, there’s always a bit more I can swing on, climb on, be strong on.  I don’t often get to a place of just barely holding on.  But last week, I wasn’t holding on anymore, I was in complete free fall with nothing to hold on to, nothing I could do anymore to be strong, be capable, feel like I had any control.  The combination of work stress and family stress made it seem impossible for me to engage in self care, to ground, to connect with true intimacy with others.  I wasn’t feeling well, I was exhausted, I was emotionally spent.  I was done.

And so it turns out, I really was done with an old pathway.  The spring cleaning process of the universe can be so painful at times, but after the release, the cleasing, comes something new, comes space for a new path, a new way, newness, freshness, ah, spring really is here.

Last week, my soultribe met on Thursday.  Since completing Eating in the Light of the Moon, we’ve been working one at a time with each of us, doing energy work to bring healing into our bodies and lives.  We always start our time together with a deep grounding, and I was in tears by the end of it.  After a brief check in we decided given my state, it was my turn to get on the massage table.  Now, for those who don’t do conscious energy work, or have never done this type of thing, I’m sure this will sound different.  However, for me, I believe deeply in the power of energy, of light, and of humans to work with each other using energy for good.  I’m also incredibly blessed to belong to a group of women who are true lightworkers, empaths, manifesters, and brilliant goddesses.  I needed them so much that night, their laughter, their tears, our sisterhood is a bright and shining light within my life.  And Thursday, these sisters stood within a larger group of our sisterhood of priestesses, and together we released my long-held burdens, we healed me. 

I touched a place of deep, deep sadness.  There are reasons for this grief.  I had been operating based on ancient events and a contract I had set up for myself a long, long time ago, but it’s been completely fulfilled and it was time to let it go, to release every little bit of it. 

Together we removed it, and filled it’s place with the energy and color of pink from the inside of a conch shell.  I have roses without thorns toping each of my chakras.  I’ve been sleeping with my hunk of rose quartz, I’ve been using rose essential oil, I’ve been taking rose quartz essense, I’ve been dwelling with the sisterhood of priestesses that showed up on Thursday night to  help, I’m light, my essence is like a rose – sweet and pink and no thorns!  Some other key things I learned:  I Care, but I do not need to Carry.  (That’s a BIG deal!)  I was reminded this weekend to take time to listen, to simply be.  I’m learning how to let go.  To not be so directed, so linear.  I had a vision this morning of a spiral path, a femine path.  I’d always seen paths as a straight line, but the new path I’m on is circular.  I got a couple messages, one is to simply Stay Put.  Stay put in my body, in the present, in my community, I do not need to go away inside like I used to.  I can safely stay present and stay centered and stay put.  I stay put and I’m content.  Another message that came through really clearly as I was listening on Sunday was I’m on a new path – the circular one.

I realize this is major woo-woo.  But, I’m being honest and authentic, this is how I think, how I operate.  Knowing how to be with energy, how to heal myself, how to bring healing or comfort to others simply with love, touch, and connecting with the energy of Her, is a joyful thing.  Being a lightworker of the Goddess is something I am happy to do.  For me, this is one of Her ways.

I find it so interesting that my last post was about laying down my burdens, I’ve doing that, and I feel like a took a great leap on Thursday to move it along even more quickly.  I’m focused on learning how to care about others, care for others, without carrying their weight, their burdens.  I care, but I do not have to carry.  So lovely.

Lot’s happening over here in my little corner of the world.  Not that you’d see much different in the outward aspects of my life.  But my inner life has changed. 

Blessings be upon you, may your pathway be filled with bounty and beauty.

Laying down my burdens

Grants for work are due on Monday.  I’ll be working most of today and tomorrow to get everything completed.  But, after a couple weeks of quietness in Coming to True, I finally feel like writing.  Changes are coming in my life, big ones.  It looks like my mom has a solid offer on her house.  The offer is lower than we hoped for.  My brother is in the process of getting some assistance with his mental health – which was taking a dive off the deep end – and my mom doesn’t want him to leave California right now.  He’s working with people who have known him for a very long time, and he needs that right now.  There is no plan at the moment, I’m not sure what they are going to do.  Simply change is coming, and I’m grieving losses and wishing for a family that didn’t tend towards depression.

How can I help two people I love deeply who are stuck?  Have been stuck for years?  Unable to see options, to logically work through the vast and myriad opportunities available to them?  My mom and brother are tied together so tightly, there’s no separating them.  And it breaks my heart.

My brother is deaf and somewhat developmentally disabled.  Although he is in his mid-40’s he’s still at home with my mother.  He could live on his own with limited assistance.  He is a competent worker, but eventually his bosses do not want to deal with his emotional issues, and he usually loses his jobs after two years.  He’s had a hard time – harassment, emotional abuse, fear, depression, and the list goes on.

My mom is the kindest woman you’d ever meet, she gives herself away.  But she can’t see opportunity at all.  She’s been stuck for my entire life, and she still feels stuck.  Today, she also feels very, very alone.  She’s selling the home she has lived in for 30 years, and due to decisions she made because she thought she was stuck, she doesn’t have much in savings.  And, she has mobility issues because she has advanced rheumatoid arthritis.

I saw this coming – I saw she would eventually have to sell the house and would have very little to live on.  I bought a place big enough for the three of us to live, because I knew eventually, they’d need a place to land.  However, at the time, I didn’t even know IndianaFarmBoy.  My mom doesn’t want to live with us now for fear it will hurt IFB’s and my relationship.  There are lots of options, none of them perfect, some of them definitely better than others, but I’m not sure how to even try to get her to see that.

I am consciously childfree.  This morning I was reminded that this is why.  I already feel so terribly responsible for the well-being of two people who have a very difficult time taking care of themselves or directing their lives in ways that keep them safe, secure, and happy.  I refuse to take on the additional responsibility of raising children.  Some days, this weight of carrying the well being of others is so overwhelming.  I have worked really hard at separating from them, at having clear and safe boundaries, at getting rid of the unreasonable expectation that I am responsible for the wellbeing of others.  But right now, I’m not in that place of having good perspective.  I’m mourning our losses, my losses.  I’m mourning our choices as individuals and as a family.  I feel like I’m carrying a heavy weight around.  I feel really sad.

I’m grateful for this space where I can pour out my story and feelings.  Just writing the words bring a little lightness to my spirit.  I have worked hard over the last few years to learn self-care, coming here to write is part of it.  And I make a promise to myself right now to continue to hold myself close today.  To hug me tight and tell me that I love me, I have me, it really will be ok.  We will all be ok.

Thank you dear ones, for holding my story today when I couldn’t hold it myself.  Thank you for blessing me.

Process, gentleness, compassion

April.  A month of spring, tulips, lilacs, and rainy sunshine.  Sounds lovely?  I wish it was lovely for me.  However, April is always a stressful month for me – work is heavy and deadlines abound.  So, the question for me this year, as every year, is how do I get back on track when the stress ramps up and eating and exercise go by the wayside?  This year is no different.  Exercise – what’s that?  Eating whatever I want?  Yeah, chocolate is emotional comfort these days.

After two weeks of not being on track, I’m slowly trying to make my way back to my center, to a place of feeling healthy and emotionally balanced.  Eating out of control always means I am out of balance.

I’ve realized in the last week that an outcome focus is not very helpful.  You know, needing to lose pounds, keep moving forward, being perfect in my eating and exercise?  Black and white thinking, perfectionism, harsh inner voice yelling at me to get it together?  Also not helpful.

What is helpful?  Process!  Just the reminder that it’s my daily process that matters, not being perfect.  And also remembering that yelling at myself only makes me ravenous!  If I want to be successful at the long-term lifestyle changes that are my goal, I need to remember, especially on days like the ones I’ve been having recently, that it is gentleness, compassion, and love for all of me that motivates me to make true change.  And that is my ultimate goal – compassion, love, emotional balance, and then the ability to easily make changes in my life.

Blessings be upon you, may your process, whatever it may be, be filled with love and tenderness.

Chasing the dark clouds away…

I’ve been in a mood.  Do you ever get in a mood?  Grumpy, disgruntled, not my usual cheerful self.  A little judgemental.  I did inner work this morning to dispell the dark clouds and all of a sudden, it’s spring again!

One thing that has been coming to mind this morning is a story Licia told in our Faces of Her class last week about White Buffalo Woman.  At one point in the story, White Buffalo Woman had to enforce her boundaries in order to protect herself and to be most effective in her work on this Earth.  This plays very much into my recent journey into the valley of shadows.  I haven’t been doing a very good job of remembering my boundaries, let alone using them to keep me safe from unwanted intrusions, judgements, harsh feelings and merging with others.  I’m slowly learning that safety, keeping me safe in positive and productive ways, takes a bit of skill and consciousness.  Being asleep and unconscious in waking life is so very dangerous for myself and for others around me.

This morning I’m rejoicing inside for the hard won awareness I have found.  I’m thankful for the joy of love and compassion, the bright shining happiness of minature red tulips, and brilliant blue skies.  I’m so grateful for a tribe of women that I can connect with in spirit and truth and love; kind-hearted, accepting, and giving loved ones; and understanding that my life, my beliefs, my pathway is my very own.  Ahh, blessed separation from the expectations of others.  Thankfully, the dark clouds have blown away.

Blessings be upon you, may Spring bless you with the joys of light, color, and beauty.

Worthy

I realized a while back that I felt like a fake, an imposter.  At work, I was concerned everyone would figure out I was not very good at my job.  In my community, I worried people would think I was not enough in one way or another.  My inner critic repeated:  I’m not successful, I’m not capable, I’m not enough, by any means.  Based on some conversations I have had, I know this way of thinking is also shared by other good (and very capable) friends of mine –  a successful lawyer, a rising politician – and I’m sure there are others.

For me, I came to realize that I had a refrain playing over and over in my head.  It went something like this:  “You are not enough at work, at home, in life.  You are a failure, you will never succeed, and when you do, it’s only a fluke.  You are an imposter.  You are a 16 year old, playing at adult life, and you are incapable of truly managing your affairs well.”  (There is an actual syndrome called the Imposter Syndrome that I recognize well.)

Now, the funny thing is, I believed that voice for years even as I successfully negotiated college, graduate school, Peace Corps, and a career in the non-profit world.  I bought my home, developed a loving, tender, joyful relationship with IFB, held my family and friends close.  I have lived my life well.  I’m not an imposter or a fake.  I finally got tired of the inner trash talk and developed a wonderful retort.  It goes like this:

I AM CAPABLE, SUCCESSFUL AND MORE THAN ENOUGH!

Then I add something like, I AM CAPABLE, SUCCESSFUL, AND MORE THAN ENOUGH AT MY JOB!  AT TAKING CARE OF MYSELF!  AT BEING A GOOD FRIEND, DAUGHTER, PARTNER, etc.  You get the idea.  I’ve been shouting this from the rooftop to myself for a year and it’s feeding my soul.  Slowly at first, but  I’ve come to believe the statement.

I don’t drive to work terrified of everyone finding out I’m a fake and leaving wondering if I’ll ever feel good enough anymore.  I know I’m good enough.  I do a good job.  The organization is thriving, I’m thriving.  I’m staying in my own skin.  I’m finding skills to take care of myself more and more, to feel successful in my own life and to feel successful in my own big body!

I think much of the sense of failure, of unworthiness, for me has come from the absolute inability to take off weight and keep it off.  It would seem that weight shouldn’t control everything in my life, but it has, for years.  It didn’t matter how successful and disciplined I was academically, how well I did at my job, how much I contributed to my community – if I couldn’t control what I put in my mouth (such a simple thing, right?), how could I possibly be ok in any other way?  How could I possibly have self control and discipline in other areas of my life?  Here’s what I’m learning – I’m already good enough, I’m more than enough simply as I am.  My worth is not predicated on being more or doing more or even losing weight.  I simply HAVE VALUE and I accept me, exactly as I am.  This has been one of the most difficult shifts I’ve ever made in my inner life.  It was also absolutely essential to my well being, both emotionally and physically. 

These days, I’m learning more and more how to find my center, to be true to me, whether I’m up or down.  I’m not going to live my life terrified that someone will discover I’m not enough because I am already MORE than enough and so are you.  We don’t have to do anything to prove ourselves worthy.  We are worthy not because of who we are or what we do.  We simply are {fill in the blank – lovable, loved, valuable, worthy, enough} because we are.

Blessings be upon you, may you KNOW you are worthy, exactly as you are this moment.  May you know you are loved, accepted, and cherished.