Worthy

I realized a while back that I felt like a fake, an imposter.  At work, I was concerned everyone would figure out I was not very good at my job.  In my community, I worried people would think I was not enough in one way or another.  My inner critic repeated:  I’m not successful, I’m not capable, I’m not enough, by any means.  Based on some conversations I have had, I know this way of thinking is also shared by other good (and very capable) friends of mine –  a successful lawyer, a rising politician – and I’m sure there are others.

For me, I came to realize that I had a refrain playing over and over in my head.  It went something like this:  “You are not enough at work, at home, in life.  You are a failure, you will never succeed, and when you do, it’s only a fluke.  You are an imposter.  You are a 16 year old, playing at adult life, and you are incapable of truly managing your affairs well.”  (There is an actual syndrome called the Imposter Syndrome that I recognize well.)

Now, the funny thing is, I believed that voice for years even as I successfully negotiated college, graduate school, Peace Corps, and a career in the non-profit world.  I bought my home, developed a loving, tender, joyful relationship with IFB, held my family and friends close.  I have lived my life well.  I’m not an imposter or a fake.  I finally got tired of the inner trash talk and developed a wonderful retort.  It goes like this:

I AM CAPABLE, SUCCESSFUL AND MORE THAN ENOUGH!

Then I add something like, I AM CAPABLE, SUCCESSFUL, AND MORE THAN ENOUGH AT MY JOB!  AT TAKING CARE OF MYSELF!  AT BEING A GOOD FRIEND, DAUGHTER, PARTNER, etc.  You get the idea.  I’ve been shouting this from the rooftop to myself for a year and it’s feeding my soul.  Slowly at first, but  I’ve come to believe the statement.

I don’t drive to work terrified of everyone finding out I’m a fake and leaving wondering if I’ll ever feel good enough anymore.  I know I’m good enough.  I do a good job.  The organization is thriving, I’m thriving.  I’m staying in my own skin.  I’m finding skills to take care of myself more and more, to feel successful in my own life and to feel successful in my own big body!

I think much of the sense of failure, of unworthiness, for me has come from the absolute inability to take off weight and keep it off.  It would seem that weight shouldn’t control everything in my life, but it has, for years.  It didn’t matter how successful and disciplined I was academically, how well I did at my job, how much I contributed to my community – if I couldn’t control what I put in my mouth (such a simple thing, right?), how could I possibly be ok in any other way?  How could I possibly have self control and discipline in other areas of my life?  Here’s what I’m learning – I’m already good enough, I’m more than enough simply as I am.  My worth is not predicated on being more or doing more or even losing weight.  I simply HAVE VALUE and I accept me, exactly as I am.  This has been one of the most difficult shifts I’ve ever made in my inner life.  It was also absolutely essential to my well being, both emotionally and physically. 

These days, I’m learning more and more how to find my center, to be true to me, whether I’m up or down.  I’m not going to live my life terrified that someone will discover I’m not enough because I am already MORE than enough and so are you.  We don’t have to do anything to prove ourselves worthy.  We are worthy not because of who we are or what we do.  We simply are {fill in the blank – lovable, loved, valuable, worthy, enough} because we are.

Blessings be upon you, may you KNOW you are worthy, exactly as you are this moment.  May you know you are loved, accepted, and cherished.